HOW MANY BULLION VANS DOES YEMI OSINBAJO HAVE?

At a time when many will swear that the Nigerian nation is burning, those who believe that they own Nigeria are busy flexing their muscles. They have recruited all those who can write tolerable grammar to write for them or who can speak without any comma or full stop, to tell one and all how they are the greatest men in the history of mankind and why God has ordained them to rule Nigeria in 2023. Please note that they want to rule Nigeria, not lead Nigerians.

If you are a publicist or a professional noise maker and nobody has engaged you yet, then you have a big problem. You might need to go to your village and ask the oldest man in the clan the reason for your misfortune. Check Facebook, WhatsApp and the other popular digital platforms and you will find that anybody who can write is writing. On radio and television, anybody who can talk is talking. Oh! you will read and hear so much bad English and bad reasoning and a lot of nonsense. The noise makers are already very hard at work and yet, the battle is just beginning!

During the week in Dreamland, I met a Jagaban campaign man whose name I do not remember. He swore by the name of his long dead grandmother that it is either the Jagaban or no one else in 2023. The Jagaban campaign man is certain that the Jagaban is the only one who has the money to match anyone else naira for naira, dollar for dollar, bullion van for bullion van on the way to Aso Rock. I tried to argue with him and he looked at me and asked, "who bankrolled Buhari's election?" He then put it to me that Buhari could not have been President without the Jagban! I asked him what business the Jagaban does from which all this big-big money is coming, and he told me that I was asking a stupid question. "Don't you know that the Buhari government is waging a very transparent war against corruption in Nigeria. Have you heard that the EFCC arrested or asked the great Jagaban any question? Is that not enough for you to know that the man is clean?"

I was confused. Since money is the determinant, I asked the Jagaban man why should we not surrender the presidency to Aliko Dangote? After all, Aliko is reputed to be the richest man in Africa. He is in a position to match anyone naira for naira, dollar for dollar, bullion van for bullion van on the way to Aso Rock?  It occurred to me that it is possible that Aliko does not like the architecture of the Aso Rock mansion, So I asked, "if not Aliko, what of Abdulsamad Rabiu, chairman of BUA Group who is now reputed to be the next richest man in Nigeria?"

The Jagaban man reminded me that the presidency is supposed to be zoned to the South. "Not the South-East?", I asked. He quickly answered, "You don't get it. We are not talking about buying and selling. Who in Igbo land has any serious bullion van?". "Ok", I then asked, "in that case, what is wrong with Mike Adenuga said to be Nigeria's No 3 richest man. Is he not a from the South?" The Jagaban advocate stared at me in disbelief and said, "You do not understand the kind of money we are talking about. It is not the kind of money you get by selling recharge cards or sugar or fuel or cement. Counting machines can count that kind of money and only a foolish man sweats to make that kind of money and spends it on the way to Aso Rock. We are talking about real money. The money you need to get to Aso Rock cannot be counted.  It is inexhaustible. Apart from the Jagaban, the only person in Nigeria who can try with that kind of money is Atiku. You would think that after the many billions he shelled out four years ago, Atiku would be broke. No! Atiku is ready to do it all over again. But, be reminded that this battle has been fought before. In 2015 during the APC primaries at the Teslim Balogun Stadium in Lagos, Atiku tried to flex his muscles with dollars. When the Jagaban arrived, the music changed. It became clear that dollar pass dollar. That was how Buhari won the nomination and Osinbajo joined him as VP"

I then quizzed the Jagaban apostle, "talking about Osinbajo, I hear that he wants to throw his hat in the race". The Jagaban man laughed and looked at me almost in pity and asked, "How many bullion vans does Yemi Osinbajo have?"

The Jagaban man told me that I do not understand Nigerian politics and that I should go and face my showbusiness. According to him, Nigerian politics is different from the kind of politics you read in textbooks. According to him, Nigeria has about 200 million very-very hungry people who have been pauperized. They have no patience for promises of what you will do for them in four years. They want food now and not grammar! And whoever brings food now is their God.

Hmmm… I consider politics to be show business expressed differently. If an orchestra must deliver a performance worthy of sustained applause, all the instruments must be finely tuned and all the instrumentalists in harmony. The carriage and body language of the performer is critical. I have never met Yemi Osinbajo but I like his carriage, body language and the intellect he exudes. He seems to be a thinking man. It is the same way I like Peter Obi, Pius Anyim and a few others. I verily believe that we need to change this bullion van mindset if we are going to lift millions of our countrymen from the despair and hunger they are consumed in.

I will not be surprised, despite what the Jagaban man says, if the Osinbajo orchestra hits the right notes because I know some of the key figures in the group. One of the V.P.'s top advisers is an incredibly brilliant Nigerian called Ade Ipaye. Ipaye was Attorney-General in Lagos State. Ipaye taught me the Law of Contract at the University of Lagos, became my course supervisor and we developed a warm relationship. While he was AG in Lagos, there was nothing in the carriage of this unassuming and incredibly efficient gentleman that would suggest to you that he was one of the most powerful people in Lagos. Ipaye once walked into an event I hosted in Lagos. There was no big agbada, no aide following him, no airs, nothing! He is a thinking man.

Anyone who has followed the career of Laolu Akande, who has been managing Osinbajo's communication would know that he understands the value of timing, rhythm and drama in communication. It may be politics but it is also showbusiness.

But let us not get ahead of ourselves. Is Osinbajo in the game? With or without any bullion van, Osinbajo would face daunting challenges. Does he have the heart?

(TO BE CONTINUED)

See you next week.

ON THE WAY TO ASO ROCK

The battle has begun. Tinubu has gone to Aso Rock to announce to Buhari the secret everybody in Nigeria has known for so long. Bola Ahmed Tinubu is ready to roll out his many bullion vans, his ubiquitous foot soldiers and his fast talking and fast writing PR men. In a never-before-seen display of shock and awe, Tinubu plans to grab Aso Rock villa with both hands. There will soon be posters, banners and buntings everywhere proclaiming Tinubu as Nigeria's potential savior. Television adverts and intricately crafted documentaries will also fill the air.

If the Asiwaju team thinks that their principal is the only one dreaming dreams of becoming the Number 1 citizen of Africa's biggest nation, then they may not be as sharp as they ought to be. With the problems that Nigeria has, you would think that nobody would want Buhari's job. No! The guy who resides at Aso Rock determines who gets what and who keeps what. In the next couple of weeks, we will hear many tales of those who are itching to deploy their own bullion vans and foot soldiers in the theatre of war and match Tinubu, bazooka for bazooka. Many more people will visit Buhari. Many will leave believing that they have the blessing of the old man. I laugh…

The spiders, crocodiles and vampires on the way to Aso Rock are mind boggling. Beyond the bullion vans, there are intrigues, deceptions and betrayals that no screen writer can contemplate. To enter Aso Rock, even by means of a coup, takes everything.

I knew MKO Abiola very well. Despite our different ethnic origins, he treated me like a cherished younger brother and spoke to me on many intimate issues. Indeed, I had a multiple entry visa to his Ikeja home. Most people remember the late MKO for his prodigious wealth, I remember him for his prodigious intellect. The man was as sharp as 'Crocodile Narcet'. Before the computer notebook was made public for worldwide use, Abiola had a motherboard and processor in his head. Abiola remembered everything and forgot nothing. He could outthink anybody at dizzying speed. Yet when it came to Aso Rock, Abiola with his massive intellect, unsurpassed contacts and many-many bullion vans thought he had got the keys to the villa. Na lie! As he tried to open the gate, he found that the keys had been changed. Abiola died fighting for the keys he thought he got fair and square.  

Atiku Abubakar lived in the very next building to the Aso Rock mansion. As Vice President, he knew all the pathways and back doors to the villa. Atiku Abubakar has deployed money, lots of it; has travelled far and wide on different vehicles; compromised with people he otherwise would not speak with. At times he lost his way, retraced his steps and began the journey again. When Atiku Abubakar began his walk towards Aso Rock, the villa was very close but the more he has walked, the father away the villa has become.

Ask Peter Odili how many truckloads of money he off loaded and how many miles he travelled on his way to Aso Rock. Odili did not even see the gate of the villa. He was given an admonition and turned back at Eagle Square.

Anyone who tells you that he knows who will be the next president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, is a big liar. Not even Buhari knows. Believe me, there will be many twists and turns in the tale. There is no question that Tinubu has enormous resources of men and money. He has built a significant war chest. He obviously has done well for himself in Lagos. His success might turn out to be his albatross. There are many who are scared of Tinubu and are hell bent on opposing him. They point to how Tinubu easily became the "Emperor" of Lagos. They don't want him to be the emperor of Nigeria.

Who would have forgotten the tale of the last governorship election of Godwin Obaseki in Edo State. It is reported that many in Edo State told Tinubu to return home as Edo is not Lagos with the hashtag, #edonobelagos, trending. Will a new hashtag, #naijanobelagos begin to trend? Is the recently reported ambition of Tinubu's "boy", Vice President, Yemi Osinbajo to succeed Buhari real? Or is it a diversionary measure, a dummy?

If in 2008 someone told you that one Goodluck Jonathan would become President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, would you not have told the person that he is drinking too much 'ogogoro'? Goodluck Who? Twice, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan walked through the Aso Rock gate and occupied the place, something Abiola could not do, Atiku has still not been able to do and Odili could not do. I repeat that anyone who tells you that he knows who will be the next president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, is a big liar. There will be many quarrels and disagreements within the parties. There will still be many decampments. No conclusions yet, while are writing their scripts, God is writing His.

The horror movie, bigger than anything ever created by Hollywood, Bollywood or Nollywood, will be on show at theatres all over Nigeria this year and early 2023. It will be intriguing, that is if we do not get a Jerry Rawlings who jumps in and says, "enough is enough with this madness in Nigeria!".

See you next week.

“EVERYBODY PLC”

During the week, I read that a prominent Nigerian Senator has asked the Buhari government to kill all the bandits and members of the Indigenous People of Biafra (IPOB), whom the distinguished senator believes have rendered Nigeria ungovernable.

Upon reading the senator's 'well thought-out' solution to what has become an absolute nightmare, I did not know whether to laugh or to cry.  His simplistic belief that Nigeria can shoot or kill its way out of its current quagmire is a good example of focusing on the symptoms and not the disease.

There are fundamental questions that need to be asked: How did Nigeria get here? How did Africa's largest nation suddenly descend into a society where the lives of its citizens appear not to be more valuable than the lives of house rats? How did blatant violence become the language of our debates?

Nigeria did not become bad because of Buhari but our nation has certainly become much worse under him.

There was great hope that Buhari's well promoted reputation for zero tolerance of corruption and indiscipline would envelope the country and sanitize it and give Nigeria the moral biceps to make great progress and achieve development for her people. Buhari's reputation was earned as a military man with a top-down command structure. To say that the President has let a lot of people down is to put it mildly. I have several friends who were die-hard Buhari supporters who today shake their heads in amazement at what Nigeria has become.

The fact is that Buhari would not have become President without the APC. While the APC assumed the posture of a political party, it was in reality a patch work of many different individual economic contraptions and expectations who brought together the huge resources of men and money to make Buhari president with the intent to ride on his presidency. After Buhari became President, the contraptions and expectations remained. The President as a non-military officer has not exhibited the political skill or ability to mould the different contraptions into one group with an overriding principle and philosophy pursuing progressive national objectives. There is also the ethical question of whether he can bite the fingers that fed him even when it is clear that the fingers fed him with stolen food. The foot soldiers have remained loyal to their original leaders who have to provide the funding to maintain them, most times by exploiting the system. The consequence is that there are so many PLCs within the APC. The matter was not made easier by the significant health challenges the president faced at the beginning of his tenure.

When Buhari became President, there was palpable fear across the country that any abuse of the system would be visited with stringent consequences. To the surprise of many, Nigeria has witnessed wall-to-wall abuse of the system with little consequence. While the economic pain in the land has become almost unbearable for much of the population, those close to the APC appear to leave in a different world.  The result is that Nigeria has lost the ethical or moral fibre that propels a nation.

Sadly, today, many-many Nigerians are working for themselves. They look around and conclude that sacrificing for the nation or their employers is nonsensical and that there is no price to pay for going in the opposite direction. Your average policeman is not interested in security of lives and property. He has no moral revulsion or distaste in collecting money from any criminal. To all intents and purposes, he is running his own PLC. Your average custom officer or civil servant is running his own PLC. Don't be surprised that your P.A. is running her own PLC with your resources and facilities and that your driver is doing Uber on the side with your car.

There is also the reality that the take home pay of the average Nigerian worker cannot take him home. He therefore sets up his own PLC to make ends meet.

The bandits who operate from forests across the nation clearly feel no moral revulsion or distaste for what they do. They do not feel worse than those they regard as bandits operating from state houses, national and state assemblies or from ministries and government departments all around the country who are not serving the nation but running their many PLCs. Some of them even feel like that they are more than day Robin Hoods. At the moment, if any of the bandits in the forest is killed, more bandits will readily emerge. Sadly, the present ethical and moral centre of the Nigerian nation promotes banditry. It is the same way no one can kill off all the IPOB fanatics. Everyday, more fanatics join the movement because the conditions that created the movement continue to simmer.

The vacuum in Nigerian leadership has permeated down and spread across the nation. The young men who are sent to fight Boko Haram wonder why they should sacrifice their lives for those they believe are living their lives to the fullest in a nation where in churches, mosques, courts, hospitals, universities, etc, etc, the Everybody Plc is booming. Sad.  

See you next week.